I thought I might like to write a little bit since I haven't in awhile.
About 19 months ago I moved to Thailand, a decision that absolutely changed my life...overwhelmingly for the better.
I have grown a lot in the past two years. In the first few weeks of Cambodia and the early days of Thailand, God led me back to Himself, and to me, this has been the most profound shift in my life.
A series of strictly logical problems with theology and Christianity had grown from doubts in to roadblocks as my years progressed at LMU, ultimately leading me to something between a philosophical roadblock and some sort of pragmatic stalemate. To be clear, issues of Justice (capital letters here), Love, and Divine Sovereignty weighed too heavily on my mind to accept God as God. I took God out of the equation, and tried to work things out by myself. In hindsight, this was the wrong approach. Thankfully, a strong upbringing kept me from making drastic changes to my lifestyle, and thankfully again, my stubbornness to change my way of life in light of changes in my worldview exposed a very serious flaw in my own logic.
Thank God for the conscience.
I know the difference between right and wrong, and as much as I wanted to dismiss God because I didn't approve of his creation, I was convicted of my own sin. I know I do wrong no matter how hard I try to do right. I know that wrongs must be punished and therefore I deserve punishment. If you smash my window, I can well enough decide not to make you pay for it (mercy) and I can even forgive you (grace), but the window is still broken. Granting mercy and grace, the only just solution at this point is for me to pay for the window myself. You're already off the hook, and I can't just make someone else pay.
I've known this analogy for years and it's always rang true. I don't follow Jesus because I like "Christianity" the religion, because I like to sing songs and go to church. I follow Jesus because He was actually here, spoke truth, showed Himself as God and offered a solution to the problem of sin.
What an enormous gift, and with it, I feel so driven. I've spent a good portion of the last 2 years of my life hunting down opportunities to serve God. Next week I'll be leaving on my 9th international volunteer project.
In August I will begin my training to do real work, and I've never felt so motivated.
James 1:27
Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.
That deserves meditating on.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Faces
Tim Dar Gretchen Jen Soban Alila Peter Somjit Bee Nee Jib Om Nui1 Nui2 Mae Gett Luknam Nine Boss N'John Tunk More Moss Eve Noll Deepu Babaji Mamaji Deepesh Hareesh Abdul Rohit Radha Sacha Jay May Lorena Richard Elin Brendan Karina Laurence Tori Nee Maey Susy Magda Philippe Leena Stee Patrick Lizita Chaska Klidy
Loneliness is the price I pay for my impermanence.
Loneliness is the price I pay for my impermanence.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
T is for period
I've been back in America for nearly 2 months now, and unfortunately the previous year of my life has already faded into a dream. I try to close my eyes and walk myself through a day in Chiang Mai, but it still feels so disconnected. Grading papers, preparing lesson plans, teaching classes. Was that me?
I don't really think of it that often, but for some reason every time I'm in church I am overcome with the desire to steal away in the night; pack my bags for Pakistan and never come back. I don't know why I feel that, but it sure is real.
In all honesty, I really enjoy being back home. Not so much being home (this isn't my home). Not so much being with my family (a grown man is evolutionarily designed not to live with his parents). Really it's just about control.
The pastor at my Dad's church gave a very insightful sermon on Sunday. He mentioned self-control as one of the attributes of being a leader and I really began to realize how important and how powerful self-discipline is.
I am a logical person, and rigorously so. Logic is about control, about making wise decisions despite confounding factors. Do you control what you eat and drink or do your wants? your hormones? commercials? fancy boxes? fructose and sucrose? I know I control what I eat. We are no longer animals that need to be driven by obsolete chemical processes.
Do you control what you wear or do the people around you make those decisions? the TV? magazines?
Do you control what you say or do you let your limbic system take over?
There's a part of an O.A.R. song I like that says "when no substance can control you, you done conquered that fool". I don't want to be controlled by anything.
Yams!
Which brings me to what I enjoy about being back here. I enjoy strengthening my body with exercise and proper nutrition, and that is finally back in my hands again. It's fun, it's challenging, it celebrates the tremendous gift that my healthy body is. True I'm bored most of the time. True I feel useless without a job. I'll take care of that soon enough.
Plus, there's this:
I don't really think of it that often, but for some reason every time I'm in church I am overcome with the desire to steal away in the night; pack my bags for Pakistan and never come back. I don't know why I feel that, but it sure is real.
In all honesty, I really enjoy being back home. Not so much being home (this isn't my home). Not so much being with my family (a grown man is evolutionarily designed not to live with his parents). Really it's just about control.
The pastor at my Dad's church gave a very insightful sermon on Sunday. He mentioned self-control as one of the attributes of being a leader and I really began to realize how important and how powerful self-discipline is.
I am a logical person, and rigorously so. Logic is about control, about making wise decisions despite confounding factors. Do you control what you eat and drink or do your wants? your hormones? commercials? fancy boxes? fructose and sucrose? I know I control what I eat. We are no longer animals that need to be driven by obsolete chemical processes.
Do you control what you wear or do the people around you make those decisions? the TV? magazines?
Do you control what you say or do you let your limbic system take over?
There's a part of an O.A.R. song I like that says "when no substance can control you, you done conquered that fool". I don't want to be controlled by anything.
Yams!
Which brings me to what I enjoy about being back here. I enjoy strengthening my body with exercise and proper nutrition, and that is finally back in my hands again. It's fun, it's challenging, it celebrates the tremendous gift that my healthy body is. True I'm bored most of the time. True I feel useless without a job. I'll take care of that soon enough.
Plus, there's this:
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Borrowed Time
They don't know what love is
That's why when they stumble they fall
They don't know what love is
Hatred has conquered them all
Can't praise God with your carnal mind
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Let's Review
September 2008:
17th Arrive in DC
18th Interview at Georgetown
19th Hang out with Gretchen. Fly out to Cleveland - awesome day
20th Play golf with Case Western's dean of student life
21st Go to Indians game with Bob
22nd Interview at Case Western. Hitch a ride down to Columbus with fellow interviewee. Eat the biggest burger of all time with Tori and her sister.
23rd Hang out at Ohio State University and get free stuff. Bus to Cincinnati and have Thai food with Jules.
24th Get free food at Xavier. Meet up with old lab colleague. Hang out with Jules and housemates.
25th Begin Greyhound bus ride at 6:15am
26th Arrive in Winston-Salem, North Carolina at 3:30am (nothing like a 21 hour bus ride with 2 breakdowns!) Interview at Wake Forest at 10am.
27th Take it easy in Sheevaun's friend's apartment
28th Miss flight to New Orleans this morning.
Who knows what's next?
17th Arrive in DC
18th Interview at Georgetown
19th Hang out with Gretchen. Fly out to Cleveland - awesome day
20th Play golf with Case Western's dean of student life
21st Go to Indians game with Bob
22nd Interview at Case Western. Hitch a ride down to Columbus with fellow interviewee. Eat the biggest burger of all time with Tori and her sister.
23rd Hang out at Ohio State University and get free stuff. Bus to Cincinnati and have Thai food with Jules.
24th Get free food at Xavier. Meet up with old lab colleague. Hang out with Jules and housemates.
25th Begin Greyhound bus ride at 6:15am
26th Arrive in Winston-Salem, North Carolina at 3:30am (nothing like a 21 hour bus ride with 2 breakdowns!) Interview at Wake Forest at 10am.
27th Take it easy in Sheevaun's friend's apartment
28th Miss flight to New Orleans this morning.
Who knows what's next?
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Righteous!
Your Current Demographics Information:
Date of Birth: 06/21/1984
Gender: Male
Work Environment: Academia & Education
Discipline: Physical & Earth Sciences
Field of Work or Study (Primary): PHYS - 619 Analytical Chemistry
Country of Citizenship: United States
Country of Residence: United States
Sigma Xi like what!
Date of Birth: 06/21/1984
Gender: Male
Work Environment: Academia & Education
Discipline: Physical & Earth Sciences
Field of Work or Study (Primary): PHYS - 619 Analytical Chemistry
Country of Citizenship: United States
Country of Residence: United States
Sigma Xi like what!
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Lacrymosa
In my teenage and adult life I have cried a total of 3 times, and I think I am approaching my 4th.
Pain has never been a stimulus for crying, at least not since I was a child. Rolled ankles, broken fingers and toes, a broken wrist, and even a ruptured urethra didn't produce a single tear. In May 2006 I left my home and family for the first time when I went to Cincinnati to start what would become my senior research project. I was one of the first students to arrive at Xavier University, and there was hardly around. That night, I felt so alone I shed a few tears. Ironically, 3 months later, thanks to the connections I had made in Cincinnati, I would fight back tears leaving the same place that had originally induced my first feelings of loneliness.
Why do we cry? Crying is a complicated process involving both the limbic and thalamic areas of the brain, as far as I know. Emotions stimulate the production of hormones which act on cranial nerves which cause the lacrimal gland to flood the eyes with tears which expel the very hormones that set the whole process in motion. What a funny thing.
October 2007: I was just finishing up my last email to Liz and double checking my list to make sure I had packed everything I would need for the next year in Asia, when I felt the terrible choking sensation that precedes a very cathartic cry. Trevor came over minutes later to drop off some t-shirts he had got me from ET before I left. I could hardly look him in the eye, and spent less than a minute saying goodbye to him because I knew I would start crying. I had no idea I would feel that way.
In all likelihood I am set to cry for the 4th time in my adult life very soon. What a strange thing to look forward to.
Pain has never been a stimulus for crying, at least not since I was a child. Rolled ankles, broken fingers and toes, a broken wrist, and even a ruptured urethra didn't produce a single tear. In May 2006 I left my home and family for the first time when I went to Cincinnati to start what would become my senior research project. I was one of the first students to arrive at Xavier University, and there was hardly around. That night, I felt so alone I shed a few tears. Ironically, 3 months later, thanks to the connections I had made in Cincinnati, I would fight back tears leaving the same place that had originally induced my first feelings of loneliness.
Why do we cry? Crying is a complicated process involving both the limbic and thalamic areas of the brain, as far as I know. Emotions stimulate the production of hormones which act on cranial nerves which cause the lacrimal gland to flood the eyes with tears which expel the very hormones that set the whole process in motion. What a funny thing.
October 2007: I was just finishing up my last email to Liz and double checking my list to make sure I had packed everything I would need for the next year in Asia, when I felt the terrible choking sensation that precedes a very cathartic cry. Trevor came over minutes later to drop off some t-shirts he had got me from ET before I left. I could hardly look him in the eye, and spent less than a minute saying goodbye to him because I knew I would start crying. I had no idea I would feel that way.
In all likelihood I am set to cry for the 4th time in my adult life very soon. What a strange thing to look forward to.
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